I’m back to continue my discussion re:  my life’s purpose, after having been rudely interrupted last night by Explorer, which felt the need to shut down in the middle of my post.  (Hmm, was this Satan’s way of interfering w/my search for a deeper relationship w/God?)

In between then and now, I called a Christian woman I know and asked her if wanting to believe in God to get into Heaven was selfish?  She didn’t believe so, as long as I had believed in Jesus’s resurrection, His pardoning of my sins, and His governing of my life.  (I still capitalize the pronouns referring to Jesus, even though I realize that is now considered unnecessary.  I’ll have to research who decided that.)

During our discussion, I mentioned that developing a relationship w/God is something I must make a concerted effort to do since I didn’t grow up in a home where Christianity or any religion was a priority so everything I learn is from scratch.  While I believe in in Jesus, his resurrection, his forgiveness of sins, etc. intellectually, I haven’t had the big “God” moment experienced by other Christians.  What helps me carry on in my faith is that Mother Teresa felt the absence of God for 40 years after moving to India, although she felt his presence initially.  Yet, she didn’t allow her lack of emotional response hinder her work for the Lord, and she truly accomplished a tremendous amount in His name.  Perhaps if I stop wanting and waiting for such an outpouring of Divine revelation to wash over me, it’ll arrive unexpectedly.  Only time will tell.

Meanwhile, today’s ? from Pastor Rick deals w/the fact that God planned everything about me, from my sex to my parents to what time in history I would be born, and that it all is part of his plan for my life.  Additionally, my creation is an expression of God’s love for me and that He will guide my life if I let Him.  Knowing this, what areas of my life am I struggling to accept?

Well, knowing this means I should be accepting of ALL areas of my life, yet as a human, I realize this isn’t the case.  What I am dealing w/is aging, the lines/wrinkles that are appearing on my face and the brown spots on the backs of my hands.  This isn’t much to be concerned w/in the great scheme of things, I know, yet they bother me as they remind me that my life is growing shorter as is my time to figure out what I’m supposed to do w/it. 

What else do I have difficulty accepting?  My past, and some of the stupid mistakes I made.  Yes, I know there’s no way I can change them, yet it still doesn’t mean I have moments when I think, “What if I had done such and such differently”.  Whenever regrets surface, I recall Jesus’s admonishment to “Forget the former things; do not dwell in the past.”  What can be more clear?

One key regret is that I wasted years toiling in a dept. where, for the most part, I was not appreciated, openly bullied, and discounted.  If this was part of God’s plan for me, I’m curious to see what else he has in store.  The only plus side I can find is that I did discover that I’m a stronger person that I realized and, on a tangible level, I did retire w/medical and dental coverage and a small pension. 

Was I a weak Christian when I complained about the situation to others?  Only God can judge that–all I know is that I needed a way to vent my frustration and it helped to share w/people who had an idea of what I was going through.  Also, it helped to know that I wasn’t the only one going through it. 

Oh, I thought of another area I find a hard time accepting–my ability to procrastinate when tackling something I don’t really feel like doing, i.e., balance my checkbook.  Writing this, I realize I really have to make an at-home schedule, w/time to do my paperwork, declutter, write my blog, read, exercise, etc.  Then, I can get more accomplished, and not feel as if the days are passing like a vapor.

Til next time…