Wow, I can’t believe people actually read my posts and responded. I figured that w/the thousands of blogs available, mine would be overlooked.
The comments I received made me delve deeper into my thoughts, for which I’m grateful. What do I think I have to do to be saved? Well, I know if I accept Jesus as my savior, I’ll be saved. That seems too simple, however, esp. since scripture says I should strive to be like Him w/each passing day. Of course, I’m not perfect so that tends to be self-defeating and even though works don’t guarantee a place in Heaven, I look at people who do so much for others and once again, feel like I’m not doing enough or even nothing at all. (I’m referring to James’s comment, faith w/o works…)
Writing this, I realize that I’m still caught up in the worldview of comparison, competiveness, pride, etc.
This brings me to lesson 3 in Warren’s book. I’ve read this lesson several times and was surprised to find regret listed as the first issue that drives many people, and the one I mentioned in my last post. I’ve also experienced my share of resentment and anger, which my ACA meetings helped me to deal with re: my childhood.
Fear and the approval of others also played an integral part of my life. My mom encouraged my dependence on her, to the point that she’d lay out the clothes for me to wear to school everyday until I was 12. (I didn’t realize other kids picked out their own clothes each morning!) She also cleaned my room, made my bed, etc. not that these are bad things but it did foster a feeling that I had stay w/in secure boundaries. So, all my life, “I’ve played it safe, avoiding risks & trying to maintain the status quo” as Warren says. (This included working for the govt. primarily for the benefits, even though the last several years of my employment were horrendous due to a boss who did her best to force me out before I could collect my albeit small pension and my medical/dental benefits. Fortunately, a Christian co-worker and I would pray every a.m. for strength to get me through the day and after three years of daily bullying, I retired w/my pension and benefits as soon as I was able. Note: I was one of many employees she employed this tactic with; in fact, she’s doing it again w/another long-term employee. Yes, I felt anger toward this woman, but I do realize after this experience that I am stronger than I thought. The main cause of my anger is not that she treated me so badly, which she did, but that I feel I wasted 20 years of my life in a job. I’ve always wanted to believe that I made a difference so to be treated so callously and made to feel insignificant really hurts and contributes to a feeling of worthlessness. My co-worker always stressed that I was a daughter of the King, but even knowing this didn’t make my days going any better. After I left, I learned I had post-traumatic stress syndrome, a less than wanted benefit 
of my employment.)
It’s cathartic to write this since my drive for security and my need for approval made a bad situation worse. I kept hoping if I worked hard, my supervisor would stop her behavior but nope, she just added more work and increased her attacks until I had to leave or face the possibility of being carried out on a stretcher due to stress. (Don’t laugh, a friend had this happen to one of her co-workers at her place of employment. BTW, this friend also went through the same treatment and she worked for a major Fortune 500 company. She also left, but was able to negotiate a severance package.)
Sheesh, as I write this, I think to myself, it’s been three years, let it go. However, what I learned in ACA meetings is that some things take longer to process than others, and I know that I am gaining perspective on the situation, namely that the Lord allowed the situation to occur, that I am stronger for it, and that, obviously, he wanted me out of that environment.
I look at the past three years as a time of rest and reflection. I truly believe or rather pray that the rest of my life finds me making a positive impact on the people around me, maybe even the country which is why I want to find my God-given purpose. I don’t want to die unknown and unremembered. True, this may be my ego talking but than God did create our personality, and mine does like recognition.
I keep thinking I’m squandering my God-given talents by merely spending my days exercising, reading, or puttering around the house. Surely, I was made for more than this and I don’t want to get to the Pearly Gates and be turned away because I wasted my talents. And, yes, I admit, I’d like to do something that would encourage approval and recognition from others. (Maybe I’ve been reading People magazine too much!)
So, what do I want to drive my life? Hmm, less desire for others approval, more focus and trust in God, learning how to discern God’s direction, learning how to be content minute by minute but still working toward a positive goal and future, expanding my extremely small circle of friends, getting rid of my feelings of worthlessness and any festering resentment, quit procrastinating–these seem like good motivations to pursue.
I do know that writing should be one facet of whatever I do. I’ve enjoyed writing since I was kid and have had pieces I’ve written published in local newspapers. I know this is one talent God granted me that I don’t want to waste but then procrastination rears up and I always seem to get sidetracked from writing more. Just like I still haven’t balanced my checkbook, which ranks right up there w/cleaning the bathroom.
