Once again, I’ve read this day’s lesson several times, meditating on the question.  What do I feel happened recently that was a test?  Hmm, all I can think of is getting my husband to book reservations for our vacation.  Although I do the research, plan the itinerary, etc., his name is on the timeshare so he must make the final arrangements.  Like me, he tends to procrastinate.  However, we procrastinate doing different things.  When it comes to trips, I’m right on top of things since I look forward to getting away from my daily routine.  He’s content to stay home, although he did actually say he wants a break from dealing w/family issues finally catching up to him.

I’ve been reminding him this past week to make our reservations for the next few months.  Was I wrong to be so persistent?  Should I just wait for him to get around to it?  (I’ve waited 1.5 years now except for a three-day trip in Jan.)  I know if I don’t persevere, nothing may get for awhile, yet as the wife, should I wait on his timetable?  Was this a test of my patience and/or submission to my spouse?   Or is it God’s will that I be persistent as I know we both need to get away and refresh our bodies, mind and spirits.  I feel it’s the latter in that I don’t feel any remorse about promoting the issue. 

What are the greatest matters entrusted to me by God?  Interesting that Warren chose the word “matters” rather than things.  Things would be easy–house, car, pets, family.  But matters? Maybe that’s the problem.  I’ve never considered anything in my life to be that great, but instead run-of-the-mill, mundane, mediocre, choose a synonym.  My parents, both children of the Depression who had me late in life (long before doing so was popularized by celebrities!) couldn’t be more different than each other.  My dad lived for the moment whereas my mom was very pragmatic.  Both made it clear from my childhood that I would be expected to work in my life–that nothing would be given to me. (When women entered the workforce in large numbers, I couldn’t understand why it was such a big deal–I always expected I’d have to work.)  From my mom, I learned to value security, hence my staying in a very demeaning, stressful work situation for 20+ years for the steady pay and benefits it provided.   To me, life meant getting up, going to work, coming home and doing it again the next day.  Each day was no different than the day before, w/no end in sight. 

The Lord came through for me a year after she died, however, by arranging for me to become reacquainted w/a man I first met when I was 20 who is now my husband.  Interesting, because in my “don’t expect anything and you won’t be disappointed” frame of mind, I never thought I’d get married–it wasn’t even a consideration or a wish of mine.  However, my husband is truly a gift from God in terms of his understanding, patience, and support–both tangibly and emotionally. 

As I write this, I realize my belief that he’s taking too long in booking our vacation is more my issue rather than his.  Of course, this doesn’t mean I’ll stop reminding him. 

This brings me to one of the key points of Lesson 5, discerning my life metaphor.  I guess I’ve already mentioned it above–work hard.  I also believed that if I didn’t expect much, I wouldn’t be disappointed.  Growing up, I had no goals of what career I wanted to pursue or not pursue and I had no desire to get married or be a parent.  I was truly devoid of any direction as to what to do w/my life which must be obvious or I wouldn’t be writing this right now. 

It’s taken the past several years for me to examine my belief system–or life metaphor–and acknowledge where it’s faulty.  This has to be attributed to God since on my own, I was getting nowhere.  Of course, anyone looking at my life now would probably say it hasn’t changed much, except that I’m not working at all.  When I think about this, I begin to feel worthless again, since so much of my identity was tied up in being a productive, wage earner.  If I’m not earning a wage, then what do I have to show for my life?  Why am I here?

This brings me full circle as to why I’m searching for my purpose.  So far, I’ve learned that God created me for his purpose, I just don’t know what that is yet.  Although I keep telling myself that God made me for a reason, I find it hard to convince myself of this since I don’t feel I’m being very productive.  I’m not earning a wage, i.e., I’m not being productive in a way our society rewards (of course, considering our economy, I think I’m in the majority here!), I’m not impacting my community, inventing new products or services, etc. 

I just don’t feel that reading, writing and working out regularly are what God had in mind when he created me.  Maybe I’m wrong.  Obviously, I’m not content w/my current situation but then again, maybe this is my test–accepting my life as it is, and not what I think it should be.

Or am I a slacker?  Shirking my responsibilities and wasting my talents.  Joyce Meyer says Christians have a duty to be responsible and productive–to be self-disciplined and self-controlled and NOT be ruled by our feelings.   I think of this whenever I see my checkbook.

Then Warren notes on the last page of Lesson 5 that $ is both a test and a trust. That my not balancing my checkbook in a timely manner (a habit I picked up after I retired) can hinder my spiritual growth is not something I would have ever considered.

Thx. to my mom, who grew up w/very little cash, I adopted her attitude that money shouldn’t be squandered and yet I have squandered it over the years. Yet, ask me to buy something full retail and I squirm. I can’t do it, which is why my stores of choice when it comes to shopping is the 99 Cent store, Big Lots and a thrift store well known in the area for the quality and selection of its merchandise. In fact, my wardrobe, books, electrical equipment, yard and holiday decorations and other odds and ends all come from one of these three stores. If I lose a penny or am cheated out of $ at a store or restaurant, it dwells on my mind for ages. Yet, reading Warren’s book, I realize that my attitude toward $ should be altered. It’s not my $, but God’s. Of course, that doesn’t mean I should be wasteful but I also shouldn’t be grasping either. I can’t say that I’m greedy as I’m definitely not in a high tax bracket. Quite the opposite. Now that I’m thinking about it, is this because whatever $ I have, I don’t want to lose as it represents security, a roof over my head, and food on the table.

I don’t know if I’m appropriately conveying my feelings toward $. I want to use it wisely, get as much as I can for each dollar I spend, spend it toward vacations and activities that offer enjoyment and pleasure (vacations, movies, books, etc.) and yet I always feel that I’m just a step away from living on the sidewalk, if not now, perhaps in my more senior years, a fear that’s becoming a reality for many, unfortunately. I also don’t want to HAVE to work at a job I don’t like just to buy food. This is another reason why I want to determine God’s purpose for my life; I don’t mind working, I just want it to be meaningful.

Whew, I can’t believe I’ve been writing for several hours now. Guess I’ll close for today, apologize to my hubby for what, to him, probably seems like nagging, and ponder what I’ve written. That I value financial security to the extreme, feel my life is only meaningful if I’m working for pay, have never really expected a lot from life or myself, but tend to believe and trust others, often to my detriment, these are all insights that need addressing and resolution. And, of course, there’s my checkbook

Wow, another birthday has come and gone.  Where did the day go?  In fact, where did the past year go?  I now understand what people mean when they say time goes faster as the years go by.  I guess this makes me an official “older” person although I still feel 25 inside. 

In reading my lesson for today, I realized that Warren doesn’t capitalize the pronouns for God, so I’ll stop doing so as well.  I’ll apply the keystrokes I save on other words!

Lesson 4 asks me what I can give up and what I can begin doing, knowing that “the deeds of this life are the destiny of the next.” (This sounds very much like Buddhism’s idea of karma, except that instead of endlessly being reborn until we get it right, we’re reborn during our lifetime, by our choice, and either go to Heaven or Hell after death.  Having studied Buddhism, I’ve always viewed it as a complementary philosophy to Christianity.  Doing our best to serve others, tamp down our ego and all its shortcomings, opening our mind to hear, in Christianity’s case, God, are goals that Christians are encouraged to emulate.) 

Well, I already decided to not rejoin a professional organization I belonged to for years since I no longer work.  (I only attended one meeting last year so my membership dues were wasted.)  I also quit as a rep. for Avon.  Even though I was a rep. for 17 years, I never made any $, I lost several customers due to their retirements and Avon started charging reps. more out-of-pocket expenses, so I was barely breaking even. 

I view Warren’s question in this lesson as more of a spiritual one, one I’ve thought about for several days now.  What I decided I can do w/less of is:  procrastination, which I mentioned earlier,

impatience,

the need to control the outcome of situations to the best of my ability (a habit borne from the fact that I was in charge of my parents for years and had to make decisions affecting their health and well-being and that I’ve lived on my own for many years, even though my husband and I, who are happily married, have chosen to continue to live separately in our own homes and see/call each other several times a week.),

Judging others based on initial appearances

speaking before thinking, although I feel I’m making progress on this one.  [In fact, I noticed if I speak only when I have something important to say, very little gets said  ]

I’m sure I’ll come up w/other traits I can do w/o but these will do for a start.

As to what I should start doing, whatever’s opposite of the above, i.e.,

Tackling tasks immediately (my checkbook still needs balancing)

Looking at people as Children of God, and not judging them on their appearances, their speech, their lifestyle, etc  (This is very hard to do since, living in so. California,  these impressions help me determine if I may be in danger.  Examples include seeing a group of ragtag men hanging around a store’s entrance would make me think twice about entering.  And seeing a gang tattoo on someone would make me be cautious around him/her.  This raises the question:  Is God using our gut feelings as a way to keep us safe and/or to make the correct decisions?) 

Becoming frustrated when things don’t go as I planned.   Perhaps I can turn this around and look at it as my way of being like Jesus.  For instance, I made a hair appt. for my mother-in-law last month, who I’ve been taking to the salon.  My sister-in-law then cancelled it and made it for a week later.  She told me she didn’t know I had already made the appt. and didn’t check w/me beforehand.   A little thing but still frustrating. 

Yes, I know I can’t control others’ behavior but that doesn’t mean I can ignore it either.  However, in light of what Warren says in chapter 4, if I live w/eternity in view, I’ll place a “higher premium on relationships” (My in-laws have been very warm and accepting of me, a situation I understand is often rare in marriages!)

Wow, just writing about this helps put it in perspective.  What else can I discuss?  How about my cat, Button’s ringworm?  How he got this nasty fungus I don’t know, since he’s lives in the house along w/our other three and our dog.  While the creme prescribed by the vet is working, he still has a sore on his neck.  However, putting the creme on him has made him skittish as has the introduction of a younger cat into the mix a few weeks ago (both occurred at the same time).  Needless to say, Button is not a happy camper.  This frustrates me since I want him to be healthy and friendly once more.  My husband, who is very patient, tells me it’ll take time before he gets back to being himself but I want it to happen last week.  The same thing happens if someone I know is sick (or if I am), if someone cancels an event I’ve been looking forward to, etc.  I admit my empathy level is low, although, of course, I expect people to empathize w/me.  I definitely need the spirit’s guidance in this area.

Wow, I can’t believe people actually read my posts and responded.  I figured that w/the thousands of blogs available, mine would be overlooked. 

The comments I received made me delve deeper into my thoughts, for which I’m grateful.  What do I think I have to do to be saved?  Well, I know if I accept Jesus as my savior, I’ll be saved.  That seems too simple, however, esp. since scripture says I should strive to be like Him w/each passing day.  Of course, I’m not perfect so that tends to be self-defeating and even though works don’t guarantee a place in Heaven, I look at people who do so much for others and once again, feel like I’m not doing enough or even nothing at all.  (I’m referring to James’s comment, faith w/o works…)

Writing this, I realize that I’m still caught up in the worldview of comparison, competiveness, pride, etc. 

This brings me to lesson 3 in Warren’s book.  I’ve read this lesson several times and was surprised to find regret listed as the first issue that drives many people, and the one I mentioned in my last post.  I’ve also experienced my share of resentment and anger, which my ACA meetings helped me to deal with re:  my childhood. 

Fear and the approval of others also played an integral part of my life.  My mom encouraged my dependence on her, to the point that she’d lay out the clothes for me to wear to school everyday until I was 12.  (I didn’t realize other kids picked out their own clothes each morning!) She also cleaned my room, made my bed, etc. not that these are bad things but it did foster a feeling that I had stay w/in secure boundaries.  So, all my life, “I’ve played it safe, avoiding risks & trying to maintain the status quo” as Warren says.  (This included working for the govt. primarily for the benefits, even though the last several years of my employment were horrendous due to a boss who did her best to force me out before I could collect my albeit small pension and my medical/dental benefits.  Fortunately, a Christian co-worker and I would pray every a.m. for strength to get me through the day and after three years of daily bullying, I retired w/my pension and benefits as soon as I was able.  Note:  I was one of many employees she employed this tactic with; in fact, she’s doing it again w/another long-term employee.   Yes, I felt anger toward this woman, but I do realize after this experience that I am stronger than I thought.  The main cause of my anger is not that she treated me so badly, which she did, but that I feel I wasted 20 years of my life in a job.  I’ve always wanted to believe that I made a difference so to be treated so callously and made to feel insignificant really hurts and contributes to a feeling of worthlessness.  My co-worker always stressed that I was a daughter of the King, but even knowing this didn’t make my days going any better.  After I left, I learned I had post-traumatic stress syndrome, a less than wanted benefit of my employment.)

It’s cathartic to write this since my drive for security and my need for approval made a bad situation worse. I kept hoping if I worked hard, my supervisor would stop her behavior but nope, she just added more work and increased her attacks until I had to leave or face the possibility of being carried out on a stretcher due to stress.  (Don’t laugh, a friend had this happen to one of her co-workers at her place of employment.  BTW, this friend also went through the same treatment and she worked for a major Fortune 500 company.  She also left, but was able to negotiate a severance package.)

Sheesh, as I write this, I think to myself, it’s been three years, let it go.  However, what I learned in ACA meetings is that some things take longer to process than others, and I know that I am gaining perspective on the situation, namely that the Lord allowed the situation to occur, that I am stronger for it, and that, obviously, he wanted me out of that environment. 

I look at the past three years as a time of rest and reflection.  I truly believe or rather pray that the rest of my life finds me making a positive impact on the people around me, maybe even the country which is why I want to find my God-given purpose.  I don’t want to die unknown and unremembered.  True, this may be my ego talking but than God did create our personality, and mine does like recognition. 

I keep thinking I’m squandering my God-given talents by merely spending my days exercising, reading, or puttering around the house.  Surely, I was made for more than this and I don’t want to get to the Pearly Gates and be turned away because I wasted my talents. And, yes, I admit, I’d like to do something that would encourage approval and recognition from others.  (Maybe I’ve been reading People magazine too much!)

So, what do I want to drive my life?  Hmm, less desire for others approval, more focus and trust in God, learning how to discern God’s direction, learning how to be content minute by minute but still working toward a positive goal and future, expanding my extremely small circle of friends, getting rid of my feelings of worthlessness and any festering resentment, quit procrastinating–these seem like good motivations to pursue.

I do know that writing should be one facet of whatever I do.  I’ve enjoyed writing since I was kid and have had pieces I’ve written published in local newspapers.  I know this is one talent God granted me that I don’t want to waste but then procrastination rears up and I always seem to get sidetracked from writing more.  Just like I still haven’t balanced my checkbook, which ranks right up there w/cleaning the bathroom.

August 19, 2008

It’s been three months since I wrote my first post.  I truly intended to write everyday or at least several times a week but this is one intention that remained unfulfilled.  As I don’t want to find myself wandering down the road to Hell, I’m committing once more to writing my blog.  In fact, it’s because of a gentle spiritual nudging that I’m back, inspired by Rick Warren’s political forum last Saturday. 

After watching Obama/McCain continue on their paths toward meaningful lives, I dusted off my copy of Warren’s A Purpose-Driven Life.  I read it about a year or so ago, even completing several of the exercises.   This was in addition to meeting once a week w/several others in what was to be a group discussion about questions posed by the DVD specifically produced for small groups.  This excited me as I wanted to bounce off my ideas and observations w/like-minded souls but alas, it was not to be. Only about five of us attended regularly and then only one or two of us would contribute, not exactly the rousing exploration I think Warren had in mind when he developed his small group lessons.  (I learned that the one other member who did contribute passed away in late May, truly a surprise since I assume that people I know don’t die.  Like most people, I choose not to think about death, since it’s a reminder that I’ll be entering those Pearly Gates eventually.)

In addition to the Forum, and perhaps more importantly, my birthday is only six, very short days away, another reminder that time–and most importantly to me, my life–is marching on, even though I never signed up to be in the band.  Although I’ve lived several decades, I still haven’t figured out what I want to be when I grow up.   Each birthday that passes means less time to figure it out and live it out. 

While I definitely would like to continue this discussion, the Sandman is calling.

Until next time…

What a difference a good night’s sleep makes.  My mind clear, my morning routine completed, I’m ready to corral my thoughts and commit them to cyberspace.

Before going to bed last night, I discussed my intent to discover my life’s purpose with help from Rick Warren’s mega-selling tome.  The first chapter begins by stating  “It’s not about me.”  So much for those years I spent reading self-help books instructing me that all I had to do was spend my time affirming my desires (which I never did), becoming more assertive, establishing boundaries, etc, and my life would become everything I ever wanted.  Of course, God was never mentioned in these books; in fact, he had fallen out of favor for several decades in our society, at least secular society, which was the only one I was familiar with.

When I became a Christian, I really didn’t change all that much.  Accepting the Lord at the Harvest Crusade in Anaheim was more at the urging of the woman who invited me.  The only thing different in my life was reading Our Daily Bread each day.  At about the same time, I began attending ACA meetings twice a week, a commitment that still astounds me since I tend to lose interest in things.  I attended these meetings regularly for 1.5 years, until I realized that I had learned everything I needed to know, discussed everything I had to discuss, and was ready to move on w/the rest of my life.  I had no desire to be like some of the other people, attending for years, complaining about the same problems with seemingly no resolution or growth.  I believe these people weren’t interested in tackling their issues, perhaps because w/out them, they’d actually have to make some changes.  Either that, or their issues had become so interwoven w/who they felt they were that to resolve them would strip away their identity.  But, isn’t change the point of ACA or any other 12-step program?  But I digress.

Anyway, the first ? Warren asks how I can remind myself that life is about living for God, not myself.  I can give a textbook answer, which is my tendency, since I always did well on tests.  In this case, however, the answer is for my benefit, and only by being honest will I learn and grow (forgive me this platitude, I just can’t help it.) 

What can I do to remind myself to live for God?  Tell myself as often as I can  whether it be in the space between thoughts, activities, sentences, whatever I happen to be doing.  I’ve been concentrating lately on reminding myself that I am God’s light in this world and should behave accordingly.  This seems to help me remember that God made me, God saved me, God owns me and acknowleging this make the rest of my life better and set me up for eternity.  (Is it selfish to believe in God so that I can reside in Heaven after Death?  Jesus did say to people who are outwardly religious that he never knew them, i.e., their heart wasn’t sincere.  Of course, religion and faith are two different animals.  Another ? to ponder.)

Til next time.

Finally, after years of reading other people’s words, I’m about to enter my own into the blogosphere, finally losing my blog virginity.  Is what I have to say worth reading?  That’s for you to decide.  As for me, I’ll keep writing as long as I have something to say, or not!

***

Death is always difficult, no matter how many times you may have witnessed it, and yesterday was no exception.  It was yesterday that Grayman, a cat, had to be–put down, euthanized, put to sleep, killed–no matter what it’s called, the result is the same:  death.  At three years old, he was much too young to die but than, isn’t everyone?  What age is it appropriate to die?  For the person (or animal) experiencing it, no age is appropriate. 

Having been in this situation with other pets, it should get easier but, no, it only gets harder.  Perhaps because with each birthday that passes, I realize that death is becoming more and more a reality for me and those I love. 

It’s in this pensive mood that I decided to find some meaning in Grayman’s death.  Many would say,

“What’s the big deal?  He’s just a cat”?

to which I respond, “What makes you so special”?

What is is about this particular cat that makes his death have such an impact on me?  Was it his resemblence to the cats made famous by the artist Kliban?  His confidence?  His calm demeanor?  His patience? His willingness to accept and return affection? 

The answer is:  all of the above.  I realize that Grayman possessed attributes (minus the  Kliban cat one) I have aspired to throughout my life but have yet to achieve.  If we’re open to what life offers us, role models can be found everywhere, and he was mine.  I’ve had the pleasure of sharing my life, and learning from him, for the past few years.  Now, like any good teacher, it was time for him to move on which, in his case, involved a literal transition to the afterlife. 

Was Grayman’s death God’s way of telling me it’s now time to put into practice what I’ve seen modeled so effortlessly by his feline emissary?  Was Grayman an angel sent down in feline guise to assist me on my life’s path?  A spirit guide?  Or are these just the musings of someone trying to find meaning in death, a state often which can be perceived as devoid of meaning?

A Christian in training, I want to believe Grayman shared my life for a reason and that his death also has a purpose.  Doing so makes me feel better about his passing, encouraging me to pursue growing in my faith and become a better person, a better Christian.  However, I admit to moments of despair when I wonder if I’m on the right path. 

Having read Eckhart Tolle, Wayne Dyer, Marianne Williamson and others in the new age pantheon, I admit to confusion.  Do all roads lead to God?  By following Christ, am I deluding myself?  What about Buddhists?  Muslims?  Hindus?  Sikhs?  Atheists?  Don’t they believe they’re following–or not–the one true religion.

Having been raised in a secular home, I don’t believe these questions will offend God, quite the contrary.  I believe He understands my turmoil, and will provide me with answers as long as I’m open to hearing them, just as I’m open to learning about other beliefs, not only to understand others but to validate that by following Christ, I’ve made the right decision. 

Yes, I know Grayman’s death most likely precipitated my queries into the meaning of life, death and the right road to eternal salvation. But then, isn’t that part of what it means to be human?  To question life, and everything it entails, including its end and what comes after.  Or am I just fixating too much on something I have no control over and no definitive answer to?  Should I be focusing my attention on more pressing concerns like where to buy the cheapest gas (at $3.83/gallon, the word “cheap” is relative), what movie should go to the top of my Netflix queue, or what day would be the best day, weather wise, to wash my car? 

Alas, it depends on my mood, and right now, my mood tells me it’s time to take a walk! Until next time, MEOW!